As the final chapter of This Is Us pulls on viewers' heartstrings, the eldest teen daughter of Randall Pearson's family teeters the line between confident young woman and the #GirlDad fantasy
[Spoilers Ahead]
If you’ve ever one full episode of This Is Us, you know to keep that “thang” on ‘ya- and that “thang” is a full box of tissues within arms’ reach. They’ve won many awards, effortlessly weaved seemingly unconnected characters into heart-wrenching storylines, and in my humble opinion, introduced viewers to one of the best Black TV couples in modern Primetime Television- Randall and Beth Pearson.
This Is Us writers have given so much depth to both Randall and Beth’s lives and relationship origins, that when they teased viewers with a fake, but still unsettling foreshadowed future divorce in an earlier season, I was screaming-crying-throwing up at the sheer thought! We love to see Randall and Beth win, hate to see them lose, and stand by their determination to raise confident and passionate Black daughters, Deja (adopted), Tess, and Annie.
For those who never watched This Is Us, Deja’s upbringing was hard due to poverty and matriarchal death and neglect, and the child care/foster care system is not kind to dark-skinned Black girls (and their mothers) who had to grow up too fast. Abusive foster families took advantage of her, so by the time she met The Pearson’s, it took Randall’s huge heart and vulnerability to earn Deja’s trust and be accepted into the family once and for all.
Since his introduction in season 4, Deja’s been smitten by Malik, a smart, responsible teen-father who understands the realities of living for more than just yourself. Randall and Beth have been keeping close watch over her relationship, but so far, Malik has been passing the “(im)perfect young gentleman” tests and fostering an equally rich relationship with Randall. That is- until season 6 marked Deja’s shocking solo sneaky link bus ride from Philly to see her Harvard freshman beau.
While on the trip, Deja accepts Malik as her #ForeverBae, even if multi-state distance or baby mama drama contributes to a less-than-smooth first relationship. They go “all the way” in his barely furnished off-campus apartment, and she returns from the weekend getaway a changed young woman! She’s so changed, that soon after the trip (and after Apple Car Play spills her tea to Randall), Malik and Deja devise a strategic 2-year plan and request permission to uproot her remaining high school career in Philly, and move to Cambridge with Malik.
Yes- she lied to her parents.
Yes- what she did at 17-years-old was unsafe.
Yes- she could be “throwing her life away” for some boy with a baby
but this urge for drastic change is rooted in something deeper than just “puppy love.”
I want to pivot the attention from Deja to Randall and Beth for a moment. “R&B” been going strong as a couple since they met freshmen year of college. The struggles they faced showed that blind ambition, poor mental health, and broken childhood dreams can eat away at a marriage worse than any extramarital affair could do. Through all the ups and downs of life, they have persevered and made their love for themselves and each other the cornerstone of their marriage. They look like a couple that knows each other’s top love language, Enneagram personality type, and astrological birth chart by heart!
Even though Randall and Beth have a thriving marriage, they have not fostered an “open door” relationship with their daughters on the topics of sex and relationships. R&B still seem to have an archaic understanding of todays’ teens- they’re activists, have openly queer sexual identities, and want to know everything about everything. Randall’s first thought is to ground Deja or younger teen sister Tess when they explore dating without his permission, and his #GirlDad charm faded away when he strongly recommended Malik to break up with Deja to keep his strategic plan for her intact. Beth never talked to her daughters about birth control, STI testing, parenting, or partner intimacy until after Deja’s trip and subsequent sexual debut. They’ve had sooooo much time to instill some sexual self-advocacy in their daughters, but chose to infantilize them until Deja made her viewpoint painfully clear.
Deja feels “grown” because the adverse effects of childhood trauma influenced her differently from Tess and Alice’s privileged upbringing, and since she’s intelligent and behaves well, R&B thought they had more time to shield their baby girls than reality would soon show. Bodily autonomy and sexuality topics are not just for parents to address in late teenagehood but should be integrated throughout child-rearing. Malik and Deja’s plan shows that when we as adults fail to normalize difficult relationship conversations with youth, youth will find other, less informed confidants to corroborate their half-baked ideas. Is there a possibility to reach a middle ground without uprooting Deja’s life once more? We might find out by the end of the season. But by the time a parent gives a child an ultimatum, they’ve already missed the entire point of listening and internalizing their childs’ desires.
Need some tips for starting casual conversations about bodies and sex with your young ones and teens?
(Always) Describe their genitalia using the anatomically correct name
Teaching youth to describe genitalia as a “Hoo-haa”, “thingy”, “cookie”, and all other euphemisms for penis, vulva, urethra, and scrotum, will confuse them later in body developement. They are not “hard” words for toddlers and adolescent youth to learn, plus, in cases of sexual assault and trauma they can correctly identify the areas where someone touched them inappropriately. Nicknames are OK to use after they learn the appropriate terms and are comfortable using them.
Be honest, but empathetic towards your child’s “puppy love” feelings and emotions
Sure- many teens’ first loves don’t end in “happily ever after,” but dismissing their real, pubesant feelings makes your adult “wisdom” come off as pessimisism and judgement. Inquire more about why they like (or love) this person- you may be suprised by their answer! Also, not every teen gets into a relationship in pursuit of penetrative sex, so your assumptions can push them further away from sharing vulnerable self-discoveries around their sexual orientation or sexual health knowledge.
Talk about sex(uality) with teens BEFORE they have sex
It’s difficult for many parents to internalize that their children are little humans with the capacity to have pleasurable solo and partnered sexual experiences from infancy to adulthood. Teens will definitely face a sexual scenario- whether it be on the internet or IRL- that will test their communication and boundary setting skills, which require ongoing practice and support. You don’t have to scare them with teen pregnancy horror stories to get them to abstain from sex before they’re ready; leave the door open for casual conversation, or find sexuality educators in your area who can teach them how to build those sexual self-efficacy skills at a young age. It’s proven that teens who get Comprehensive Sexuality Education (CSE) reduce the rates of sexual activity, sexual risk behaviors (eg, number of partners and unprotected intercourse), sexually transmitted infections, and adolescent pregnancy!
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